unbehaglich?

There has to be some word in Ger­man or Japan­ese or some­thing that de­scribes the over­whelm­ing feel­ing like you’re for­get­ting to do some­thing but there’s noth­ing you’re for­get­ting and there’s also noth­ing you re­al­ly have to do. 

It’s not anx­i­ety. I mean, I know what my anx­i­ety feels like, and this isn’t it. 

It’s a weird feel­ing I’ve start­ed hav­ing late­ly and maybe I’m just let­ting turn­ing forty get into my head too much. 

And this year was es­pe­cial­ly hec­tic and stress­ful so maybe it’s just the resid­ual feel­ing of hav­ing a mil­lion things to do and not enough time to do all of them. 

I’ve also been out of my cast for a while and it’s made a world of dif­fer­ence in my day to day dis­po­si­tion. The whole ex­pe­ri­ence was very hum­bling and made me re­al­ize just how much I take for grant­ed be­ing able to get around on my own two feet. 

Know­ing you can walk any­where and the only thing that’s lim­it­ing how far you can go are the hours of sun­light in the day is in­cred­i­bly free­ing. And it’s a huge privilege.
 

But yeah. Late­ly I’ve felt like I’m in that con­fused Tra­vol­ta meme where he’s just wan­der­ing around look­ing around. 

 

My home is peace­ful, and I’m hap­py with my en­vi­ron­ment, and I am ab­solute­ly all about do­ing fuck all and just re­lax­ing. But I still have this weird feel­ing like there’s some­thing I need to be doing. 

And there isn’t.

 

—emi­ly duchaine

Flom­mist Emi­ly Duchaine lives in the Pa­cif­ic North­west. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and lis­ten to the Talk­ing Heads. She pre­tends to be a pro­fes­sion­al busi­ness­woman most days. Copy­right © 2022 Emi­ly Duchaine.

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