Y’all know I hate people in general but I can put on a good performance with most of them and it’s fine.
But on the road today – at a diner – I’m pretty sure the woman working the counter was one of my arch nemeses.
She asks for Aaron’s name and he says “Aaron”
and she goes, “Is it E R I N?”
and doesn’t even wait for him to answer, she just starts writing it down.
Which, neither of us really care, but when Aaron said, “No, but it’s okay,”
and she looks at him and says, “It doesn’t matter.”
Not jokingly, not laughing, not in a self-deprecating way.
Just,
“It doesn’t matter.”
Doesn’t tell us how long the wait is. And, turns out we could have gotten coffee from them while we waited but she didn’t offer us any.
And I get that they were slammed and Aaron and I are always extremely gracious with people in the service industry, but holy cow …
So
fortunately we didn’t have to interact with her again until we cashed out, but when we were done and she asked if she could clear our plates away, she asked me if we needed a box for the leftover hash browns. Because they give you like, two russet potatoes’ worth of hash browns.
I politely declined and was just trying to be friendly and make small talk and I said,
“Haha yeah, and we overheard another table order EXTRA hash browns,”
and then I laughed. I was just making a joke.
She goes, “Oh, I support extra hash browns!” in the same tone and demeanor one would use to make the assertion that trans women are women or that Black Lives Matter.
o_O
Not even a whiff of humor in her voice.
So then I got all awkward and was like, “Uhhhhh hahaha oh gosh, I just wouldn’t ever be able to eat that many hash browns!”
and no shit, this woman says to me, “All stomachs are different.”
ಠ_ಠ
I felt like dropping to my low, no nonsense, “sick of your shit” voice and saying,
“Alright, listen here, not every goddamn topic has to be about you demonstrating your hilariously irrelevant social justice values, k? Especially since you didn’t give a fuck how my husband’s name was actually spelled.”
Which, at the very least, you run the risk of dead naming someone when you do that,
but
let’s defend extra-hash browns person like they’re the most persecuted minority on earth.
Hahahahhahahaha, ah, interstate travel.
—emily duchaine
Flommist Emily Duchaine lives in the Pacific Northwest. She likes to drink mead, learn about sharks, and listen to the Talking Heads. She pretends to be a professional businesswoman most days. Copyright © 2021 Emily Duchaine.
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