… which would be a great name for a sci fi paperback in 1968.
A lot of people do not know: Shakespeare was quarantined with severe jaundice and it was during that downtime that he wrote most of the outline to Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol. People still do Zed’s open mic poem at West Point graduation ceremonies.
So what have *you* done with your day?
Too too tooooooo many people in my social feeds are actin like these fools right now .…
Target’s parking lot looks like Christmas before the Internet.
Tho one thing is clear from what the stores are already cleaned out of: Most of y’all really don’t know how to cook from basic ingredients.
“I’m a #quarantinecutie. Pass it on.”
—Johnny Taylor, Facebook
“Cabin fever is rough. But a minor inconvenience for us could be weeks on a ventilator for someone else. Please don’t let your immortality force someone else to confront their mortality.”
—Brandon Borrman, Twitter
Let me explain it for the gamers:
This is a Mythic boss encounter. Don’t take unnecessary damage so the healers—our doctors and nurses—can preserve mana for the unavoidable damage spikes. If you mess up a mechanic the entire raid will wipe.
Stay home when possible. Be safe.
— Cody Conners (@evoli) March 16, 2020
All us Gen‑X kids that grew up with Dawn of the Dead (1978) as a kind of wish fulfillment fantasy feel dumb now.
“Hey Ya’ll. We are all scared. I hear you, I see you, I support you, and please think about more than your needs.
“Everyone here is saying, support your local … farmers market, restaurant, dog walker, house cleaner, bartender, artist .… I get it, every job I had for the YEAR is postponed or canceled. I’m terrified.
“Money is a huge problem but death is permanent, it may not kill you, but it will kill someone’s mother, father, grandmothers and grandfathers or roommate. And while going out for a drink might sound like the perfect idea on a saturday evening, is it really worth ending someone’s life?
“Say home, wash your hands, be prepared and tell your people you love them. This will pass, we will get through this.”
We can still go outside we just gotta keep distance.
The megaphone business bout to be lit, y’all.
“I’m not joking people, stay the fuck home, and don’t go out to eat or drink. Go exercise outside or whatever, just don’t touch people or get close to anyone.
“I’m not kidding. They’re building mass graves in Iran and Italy is a goddamned horrorshow of death right now. France … closed the entire country down.
“This will happen here unless YOU do something about it.
“The government is a disaster and is more worried about the stock market than lives – listen to the health professionals – they’re saying STAY HOME.”
—Timothy Paul Doyle, Facebook
Also if this is gonna happen for months I propose the city swap out our cold water line (yes, don’t correct me that’s how it works: Hot water in one pipe, cold in another) for home faucet vodka service.
And I’m happy to announce I’ll be performing my own #LiveFromHome concert where I perform the 1998 OMC classic How Bizarre acapella. Over and over again.
Tune in. Let’s get crunk.
Pretty weird seeing people scoff at the idea of paying artists relief funds during this shutdown while also answering every “what are you doing during quarantine” post with “binge-ing tv shows, movies, books, comics and podcasts.”
— Zach, still celebrating Halloween 🎃 (@ZacharyJLuna) March 16, 2020
Also since were all gonna be at home streaming for a bit allow me to suggest an inexpensive cure for the Netflix Hulu blahs: The Brown Sugar service on Prime.
So much classic black cinema. It isn’t all blaxploitation, but it would be worth your $4 a month even if it was.
IMPORTANT NOTE TO PEOPLE WHOSE SPOUSES ALSO WORK AT HOME: They can be in Zoom meetings and you don’t know and then you sing a song about your dogs to your dogs and now you’re part of the meeting too.
You know, I am willing to accept the substantial losses of the new 20s if it takes with it all those Gatsby party dipshits.
“I’m at a theme party heavily based on a book I have not and will never read and whose themes I refuse to entertain. Also I’m a ‘flapper.’ Wheeeee!”
We’re about to get real weird as a society and I am HERE FOR IT.
—jason malmberg
Flommist Jason Malmberg is a simple man who believes in brown liquor and small dogs. He also makes art sometimes. Copyright © 2020 Jason Malmberg.
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