aspiring propagandist

Some peo­ple are so con­sis­tent about keep­ing their eNar­ra­tive on point: Fan­cy par­ties, fast cars, de­li­cious meals, wise say­ings, or not-so-wise say­ings with de­cep­tive­ly clever im­agery and font us­age.

Sure­ly as an as­pir­ing pro­pa­gan­dist, I have all the skill nec­es­sary to make my life look like the stuff of in­spi­ra­tion as well. Is this what I should be do­ing? Has my lev­el of open­ness about be­ing a real hu­man been a mis­take?

Pos­i­tiv­i­ty, to me, does­n’t mean nev­er show­ing weak­ness, or even nev­er feel­ing low. I see it as be­ing more de­sire dri­ven — that de­sire to im­prove, to see things as they could be, and then putting in the ef­fort to move in that di­rec­tion.

I want to hear about your vic­to­ries as well as de­feats, your sil­ly kids and de­li­cious sand­wich­es. I want to hear about every day that you crushed it or kin­da screwed up and op­po­site-of-crushed it. And I want to be root­ing for you the whole time.

But it oc­curs to me that I’m also just re­al­ly fuck­ing weird.

The eNar­ra­tive is so pow­er­ful be­cause it’s a sto­ry we all want to be­lieve in, even when we are the one telling it. But to me it feels a bit like play­ing into the same ideas that we’re all just one serendip­i­tous op­por­tu­ni­ty away from be­ing rich and fa­mous so we should just keep so­ci­ety set up to ben­e­fit those peo­ple the most.

Some­times I have ad­ven­tures and make cool art and par­ty with peo­ple in oth­er cities!

And some­times I eat noth­ing but sal­ad and don’t see sun­light for a few days at a time.

Right now I’m most­ly locked in my room do­ing yoga and breath work, and clear­ing my mind in ways I for­got were pos­si­ble.

My true self is frac­tured into ex­tremes tem­pered only by cog­ni­tion, but through this ex­er­cise in self-com­pas­sion I am find­ing some­one new and more com­plete.

Maybe her life will be an In­sta­gram par­ty too? But right now, I’m just do­ing my best.

I hope that is ok. ❤
 
 

—bwargh von mod­nar

Flom­mist Bwargh von Mod­nar is. Copy­right © 2016 Bwargh von Mod­nar. Pic­tured: ‘You might be cute … but you’re not fuzzy-pom­pom-Christ­mas-mouse cute. Un­less you are, of course.’‬

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