becoming i CHAPTER 5
I never knew why the first who raped me did. I never said a damn thing. I never confronted. I never went to the police.
It was two whole years until I started to come out and really say what happened. Still, even then I was alone. Minus one person. One friend who gave me the courage to speak up.
The one person in the world I had trust for because they understood from their own perspective. I watched her struggles coincide with mine but her battle being more profound. In which she acted.
Although the struggles after still existed. Doing what the world tells you to do doesn’t heal the wound. Nor does it give back that peace of mind because in so many cases, anyone can become that person once more.
There is no healing of that wound for survivor or attacker. All we have as answer is the possible breeding grounds called prisons that only perpetuates the direction those have traveled farther.
At this to even do this, we still have to be held in front of strangers once more with no escape reciting off our most vulnerable disgusting stories as they began to ask all the questions we asked ourselves.
“Why did I go there?”
“What was I wearing?”
“What did I do or say that brought this on?”
All of which only directly points the finger of blame at us. As if we didn’t blame ourselves enough. In these cases we only have our words and recollections unless the ‘lucky’ few have some sort of evidence to depict what happened is true.
I’m happy I don’t know why he did what he did. I’m happy I never said anything. I never had to understand and give notion to him that he was human after that.
I was able to separate him from my life. There was no connection. And I was able to bury it so deep to not even acknowledge it for years.
The only problem is it came back in ways I never knew it would.
Realizing I hadn’t processed a virus in me for years – one that’s so deep and alters my view on everything isn’t something that is easy to just have come out.
I severed that connection to that man, but hadn’t realized it made me connected to a part of myself that had poor boundaries. Ones that allowed another to get through and get what they desired without my consent.
For this I am unhappy.
—alley scheffki
Flommist Alley Scheffki is 22 years young, ‘I am the blue rose. Dies ist ein wunsch für freiheit.’ Copyright © 2016 Alley Scheffki.
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