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THE BATTLE FOR MODeRN 1923


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how to get out of plans

Are you the type of per­son who is al­ways mak­ing plans?
Maybe you have a hard time say­ing no? 

Per­haps it’s just that you thought maybe you could change this one time but the idea of do­ing the thing stress­es you out so much it gave you a nose bleed?

This is how to get out of plans that you made with some­one with­out mak­ing an ass of yourself:

1.    First, pat your­self on the back be­cause you are special.
2.    Come up with an ex­cuse that could get you out of your plans.

 

Now you might be won­der­ing, how do I come up with a suit­able excuse? 

Well, first you think about who you’re mak­ing this ex­cuse to.
Are you mak­ing it to your friend?
Your good friend? Your sig­nif­i­cant oth­er? Your boss? 

Let’s go over some spe­cif­ic examples: 

If you’re mak­ing an ex­cuse to your friend, just say you are sick. 

Chances are they don’t re­al­ly want to hang out with you that much any­way. If you were sup­posed to give them a ride to a place – well, first off, get bet­ter friends be­cause that’s lame. 

If you aren’t able to get bet­ter friends be­cause you’re a los­er, sim­ply say your car isn’t work­ing or that your li­cense has been sus­pend­ed be­cause you’ve got­ten 10 tick­ets in the last three days. 

Don’t say you got into an ac­ci­dent, be­cause that’s real dumb. Don’t be dumb.

If you’re mak­ing an ex­cuse to a good friend, just don’t.
They’re your good friend. You should be able to just tell them that you need to be a hu­man bur­ri­to and you have all the re­grets with­out them get­ting mad. 

If they do get mad, get bet­ter friends. You know what, just stop be­ing a los­er and get bet­ter friends. If you re­al­ly want to get out of plans this bad­ly you prob­a­bly shouldn’t even be friends in the first place.

If you’re mak­ing an ex­cuse to your sig­nif­i­cant other. 

First, re­al­ly think about whether this per­son is worth it. Is San­dra re­al­ly worth it? Is she? Is she re­al­ly?

If she makes you watch Mean Girls with her par­ents every Sat­ur­day night, is she re­al­ly worth it? Prob­a­bly not. 

Don’t be dumb. If, for some rea­son, you’ve de­cid­ed San­dra is worth it then tell her that you hurt your­self at work and break your own arm. 

Does that not sound ap­peal­ing? You can al­ways tell her the truth. Yep, I bet now you’re all won­der­ing how to best break your own arm. I per­son­al­ly rec­om­mend falling off of a lad­der or tree. It’s fun for the first cou­ple seconds. 

You can also ask a bud­dy to smack you re­peat­ed­ly with a base­ball bat. Je­re­my would be hap­py to do it be­cause we all know San­dra is wrong for you. 

Fi­nal­ly,
for your boss you want to come up with some­thing that is ad­e­quate­ly not your fault and also can­not be proven one way or another. 

Don’t say that you broke your arm, un­less you did to get out of that thing with San­dra. Also don’t say that you’re sick un­less you can sound real con­vinc­ing and don’t mind fak­ing it to a doc­tor too. 

Just call up your boss, as ear­ly be­fore work as you can, and ex­plain that your dog ate a bunch of frozen grapes and you have to take Buster to the vet. 

Don’t have a pet? What the hell is wrong with you? Get a damn pet. Even a snake or some­thing is bet­ter than noth­ing. Se­ri­ous­ly what kind of so­ciopath doesn’t like pets? 

Any­way, you have a pet be­cause so­ciopaths don’t care about be­ing nice about get­ting out of plans. You had me wor­ried there for a second. 

If you don’t want to pre­tend to take your dog to the vet, you may have a sick­ly rel­a­tive that needs a ride to the hos­pi­tal. Food born ill­ness is also al­ways an op­tion, and it’s pret­ty easy to fake be­cause you won’t nec­es­sar­i­ly sound sick over the phone. Plus, no one wants to deal with puke. 

3.    Find a blan­ket and wrap it tight­ly around your body. Curl up into a tight ball. Yes, you have now reached the pin­na­cle of hu­man achieve­ment. Profit.
 

Khats
 
 

—emi­ly buonauro

Flom­mist Emi­ly Buonau­ro is cod­i­fi­cación médi­ci for when FLOMM so­cial me­dia breaks down. She likes cats, cof­fee, and bur­ri­tos; not nec­es­sar­i­ly in that or­der. Copy­right © 2016 Emi­ly Buonau­ro. Im­age by mehallo.

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Der Tung
Posted
Tue 10 May 2016

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