content warning: sexual assault

I’m lit­er­al­ly too pissed off to try to phrase any­thing in a de­cent hu­man manner.

Jared Fogle’s de­fense team is ac­tu­al­ly, se­ri­ous­ly, for real, with their mouths and law de­grees, ar­gu­ing that Jared Fogle com­mit­ted pe­dophil­ia be­cause his Sub­way sand­wich-in­duced weight loss was so rapid it boost­ed his sex dri­ve faster than he could cope.

Was that whole child rape thing re­al­ly just part of an un­usu­al­ly long, mon­u­men­tal­ly-con­vo­lut­ed Sub­way ad?

Even if you cater to the no­tion that his diet was caused what a friend calls ‘in­tru­sive pe­dophilic thoughts’ … nope, I can’t. I sim­ply can­not hu­mour it. What diet re­sults in in­tru­sive pe­dophilic thoughts?! What diet re­sults in ANY in­tru­sive thoughts be­yond, “Wait, Je­sus, di­ets are horse­shit, why am I do­ing this, I want six milk­shakes and a triple lay­er pie cake NOW!”

Oh, I’m sor­ry, I for­got how much we’ve tak­en the Twinkie de­fense se­ri­ous­ly in the last sev­er­al decades.

—mel­ony ppenosyne

Flom­mist Mel­ony Ppenosyne is a writer and weird artist type. In the last year alone, she’s trav­eled to Vir­ginia as a com­pet­ing poet, co-writ­ten a play on men­tal ill­ness that is present­ly be­ing pro­duced, and craft­ed a pub­lished es­say check­ing the priv­i­lege and scope of art gal­leries. She is cer­tain all of this is ap­par­ent from her Sub­way rant. Copy­right © 2015 Mel­ony Ppenosyne.

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