I’m literally too pissed off to try to phrase anything in a decent human manner.
Jared Fogle’s defense team is actually, seriously, for real, with their mouths and law degrees, arguing that Jared Fogle committed pedophilia because his Subway sandwich-induced weight loss was so rapid it boosted his sex drive faster than he could cope.
Was that whole child rape thing really just part of an unusually long, monumentally-convoluted Subway ad?
Even if you cater to the notion that his diet was caused what a friend calls ‘intrusive pedophilic thoughts’ … nope, I can’t. I simply cannot humour it. What diet results in intrusive pedophilic thoughts?! What diet results in ANY intrusive thoughts beyond, “Wait, Jesus, diets are horseshit, why am I doing this, I want six milkshakes and a triple layer pie cake NOW!”
Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot how much we’ve taken the Twinkie defense seriously in the last several decades.
—melony ppenosyne
Flommist Melony Ppenosyne is a writer and weird artist type. In the last year alone, she’s traveled to Virginia as a competing poet, co-written a play on mental illness that is presently being produced, and crafted a published essay checking the privilege and scope of art galleries. She is certain all of this is apparent from her Subway rant. Copyright © 2015 Melony Ppenosyne.
PLEASE SUPPORT FLOMM
TIPS + DONATIONS DISCREETLY ACCEPTED