aftermath of suicide

This is the af­ter­math of suicide. 

And it’s al­ways hard to write about things
you don’t know if you should
but you feel you ought to no mat­ter if it is wrong or right.
 

In ways I am di­rect­ly con­nect­ed to you and oth­er ways we have no con­nec­tion at all. 

Your choice to do so has tru­ly noth­ing to do with me. 

Still, af­ter when all that sor­row is dis­placed and it be­comes some­one else’s bur­den to bear it is the hu­man con­di­tion of guilt (the way our brain feels when we just want to change the out­come) is to find what ways we could have changed things. 

In my ac­tions, I know I could of and did con­tribute to what­ev­er thoughts you may have held of yourself. 

I also knew in my mind that you felt this way, but I brushed it off as some­how I was be­ing toyed with.

I made the jokes and words of how it was a tick­ing time bomb. 

You asked me once what to do
and I told you don’t come to me with your insecurities. 

The small­est things can change peo­ple’s lives. 

The harm we can speak to oth­er may nev­er re­al­ly be known un­til af­ter the fact. 

And when it comes down to it I wish you could of known the sto­ry I held that drove out the same feelings. 

In some­where re­lat­ing could have been found and res­o­lu­tion too.
 

Then I find my­self angry.
It’s a com­plex­i­ty that exists. 

Over time it changes, but I re­al­ly don’t know how it does.
 

My teacher once told me he be­lieved if we killed our­selves we were once again forced to live through the same life. 

He also said this is­n’t about you

and to­day I’m only try­ing to state how it has af­fect­ed my life.
 
 

—al­ley scheffki

Flom­mist Al­ley Schef­f­ki is 23 years young, ‘I am the blue rose. Dies ist ein wun­sch für frei­heit.’ Copy­right © 2017 Al­ley Schef­f­ki. Al­ley is also the dri­ving force and host of FLoMM­CAST.

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