shhh … i’m writing

*oblig­a­tory re­flec­tive New Year post*

So, 2017 was a hot mess. If I go by my Face­book news feed, it sucked for most peo­ple, though I’m gen­uine­ly hap­py for those who were able to find love, suc­cess, and all sorts of won­der­ful things last year. Then again, even those of us who strug­gled had some in­cred­i­bly pos­i­tive ex­pe­ri­ences, so it wasn’t a com­plete loss. I like to think of 2017 of that aw­ful mo­ment when you re­al­ize … Oh, shit. This is what adult­ing is like. There’s a lot of bull­shit and hurt every­where, but the good stuff is re­al­ly frig­gin’ good.

The at­tack that al­most killed me left me both bruised and numb, in­side and out. But I found new friends, got rid of the re­main­ing tox­ic peo­ple, and made the most of my new job. I still have health and per­son­al chal­lenges ahead of me, but I feel ready to take them on. At least, more ready than I did last year. And there’s al­ready a lot to look for­ward to: I have two con­certs com­ing up; new chal­lenges at work that will test my abil­i­ties and re­al­ly al­low me to grow (even though that’ll suck a lot out of me, lol), and just the knowl­edge that any­thing is pos­si­ble.

And I think that’s what I’m tak­ing with me into this new year, my biggest goal (be­cause you know I don’t do res­o­lu­tions): To be more ‘go with the flow.’ That’s hard for some­one like me who’s so anx­ious and a plan­ner and takes com­fort in know­ing what will hap­pen next. But over the years, I’ve learned that there’s no way to al­ways know, and that some­times, you just have to let life hap­pen. I can’t con­trol every­thing. And the cool part of fi­nal­ly mak­ing that re­al­iza­tion is that that’s okay! I can put my en­er­gy to­wards the things I *can* con­trol, which just sets me up for suc­cess all the way round.

My oth­er big goal for this year? To have more self con­fi­dence. Nay, to have the kind of con­fi­dence in my­self that oth­ers have in me. I went through a lot last year, and I faced a lot of my usu­al doubt and self dep­re­ca­tion while plod­ding away. But around me the en­tire time were peo­ple who be­lieved in me more than I be­lieved in my­self. I had to say “you were right” to a few peo­ple last year (in­clud­ing my mom, which is al­ways fun. For her. Lol), and it was al­ways about some­thing they be­lieved I could make hap­pen when I wasn’t al­ways so sure.

I want to know what that feels like. I want to know what it’s like to re­al­ly be­lieve in my­self, not just fakeit­ti­ly­oumakeit be­lieve in my­self. Which is­n’t a bad thing, be­lieve me; it’s what gets me through life. But you know what I mean. I just want to know what that’s like, and know it all the time for­ev­er and ever til the end of time. If oth­ers see some­thing in me that makes them be­lieve in me, I should be able to see it too. So I’m go­ing to work on that.

Oth­er than that and stay­ing healthy, I have no lofty goals or ex­pec­ta­tions of 2018. As I men­tioned be­fore, I think that’s a good way to go into it. I haven’t low­ered my stan­dards or de­cid­ed to “set­tle” for any­thing, but I’ve learned that keep­ing ex­pec­ta­tions clos­er to re­al­i­ty re­lieves a lot of what used to con­sume me. Be­liev­ing in my­self and learn­ing to let go of con­trol is al­ready go­ing to be a process. And stay­ing healthy in Kim­ber­land is no easy feat, what with the gazil­lion health is­sues. That keeps me busy enough. No need to add un­nec­es­sary ex­pec­ta­tions to my plate. I just need to fo­cus.

Fo­cus. And qual­i­ty – of friends, of ex­pe­ri­ences, of life – those are my in­ten­tions for 2018. ❤
 
 

—kim­ber­ly a. morales

Flom­mist Kim­ber­ly A. Morales is a food and well­ness blog­ger, and pa­tron saint of cats. Copy­right © 2018 Kim­ber­ly A. Morales.

MOR D’ARTÍCULOS  MOR FLOMM !

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