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how to get out of plans

Are you the type of person who is always making plans?
Maybe you have a hard time saying no?

Perhaps it’s just that you thought maybe you could change this one time but the idea of doing the thing stresses you out so much it gave you a nose bleed?

This is how to get out of plans that you made with someone without making an ass of yourself:

1.    First, pat yourself on the back because you are special.
2.    Come up with an excuse that could get you out of your plans.


Now you might be wondering, how do I come up with a suitable excuse?

Well, first you think about who you’re making this excuse to.
Are you making it to your friend?
Your good friend? Your significant other? Your boss?

Let’s go over some specific examples:

If you’re making an excuse to your friend, just say you are sick.

Chances are they don’t really want to hang out with you that much anyway. If you were supposed to give them a ride to a place – well, first off, get better friends because that’s lame.

If you aren’t able to get better friends because you’re a loser, simply say your car isn’t working or that your license has been suspended because you’ve gotten 10 tickets in the last three days.

Don’t say you got into an accident, because that’s real dumb. Don’t be dumb.

If you’re making an excuse to a good friend, just don’t.
They’re your good friend. You should be able to just tell them that you need to be a human burrito and you have all the regrets without them getting mad.

If they do get mad, get better friends. You know what, just stop being a loser and get better friends. If you really want to get out of plans this badly you probably shouldn’t even be friends in the first place.

If you’re making an excuse to your significant other.

First, really think about whether this person is worth it. Is Sandra really worth it? Is she? Is she really?

If she makes you watch Mean Girls with her parents every Saturday night, is she really worth it? Probably not.

Don’t be dumb. If, for some reason, you’ve decided Sandra is worth it then tell her that you hurt yourself at work and break your own arm.

Does that not sound appealing? You can always tell her the truth. Yep, I bet now you’re all wondering how to best break your own arm. I personally recommend falling off of a ladder or tree. It’s fun for the first couple seconds.

You can also ask a buddy to smack you repeatedly with a baseball bat. Jeremy would be happy to do it because we all know Sandra is wrong for you.

for your boss you want to come up with something that is adequately not your fault and also cannot be proven one way or another.

Don’t say that you broke your arm, unless you did to get out of that thing with Sandra. Also don’t say that you’re sick unless you can sound real convincing and don’t mind faking it to a doctor too.

Just call up your boss, as early before work as you can, and explain that your dog ate a bunch of frozen grapes and you have to take Buster to the vet.

Don’t have a pet? What the hell is wrong with you? Get a damn pet. Even a snake or something is better than nothing. Seriously what kind of sociopath doesn’t like pets?

Anyway, you have a pet because sociopaths don’t care about being nice about getting out of plans. You had me worried there for a second.

If you don’t want to pretend to take your dog to the vet, you may have a sickly relative that needs a ride to the hospital. Food born illness is also always an option, and it’s pretty easy to fake because you won’t necessarily sound sick over the phone. Plus, no one wants to deal with puke.

3.    Find a blanket and wrap it tightly around your body. Curl up into a tight ball. Yes, you have now reached the pinnacle of human achievement. Profit.


—emily buonauro

Flommist Emily Buonauro is cod­i­fi­cación médici for when FLOMM social media breaks down. She likes cats, coffee, and burritos; not necessarily in that order. Copyright © 2016 Emily Buonauro. Image by mehallo.

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Der Tung
Tue 10 May 2016

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