depression and disappointing people

I wish I could de­scribe how de­pres­sion re­al­ly feels to me when peo­ple ask.

It’s not some­thing I can put into words eas­i­ly, which is why I draw my feel­ings in­stead of ex­press­ing them.

The only way I can re­al­ly think of how to ex­plain it is, I look at my life from an out­side per­spec­tive, and yeah, every­thing is great. I have a roof over my head, amaz­ing­ly sup­port­ive peo­ple in my life, I take care of my­self, and main­tain a de­cent so­cial life. I have a good sense of hu­mor, and I make okay stir fry.

But when I am anx­ious or de­pressed, it’s like I’m ex­pe­ri­enc­ing these things by watch­ing them through a win­dow. I know how I am sup­posed to feel, and when I’m sup­posed to laugh, but it does­n’t re­al­ly feel like I am liv­ing in it, I’m just a view­er. And I care so deeply for the peo­ple in my life that I of­ten feel like I’m let­ting them down be­cause I’m not liv­ing up to my own stan­dards. Log­i­cal­ly, I know it’s not true, and I know I’m too crit­i­cal of my­self.

It’s a con­stant bat­tle of tak­ing care of my­self while feel­ing like I’m dis­ap­point­ing peo­ple. Some days re­al­ly are hard, but you’re right there will al­ways be some­thing worth it! I hope you’re do­ing well, it’s been a long time!

I’m not writ­ing this to say things are bad; my life is very good, and I’m thank­ful every­day for every­thing, and every­one I have with me. I think I’m writ­ing this more for my­self, to let my­self know it’s okay to have bad days, and that I am a work in progress. To let my­self know it’s okay that I don’t have my life fig­ured out right now, and I need to just take a step back and stop pun­ish­ing my­self for things that hap­pened that were out of my con­trol.

Maybe to­day I’m tak­ing a break from push­ing my­self to­wards what I want. Maybe to­day is just a day I need to be okay with not hav­ing a plan. Maybe to­day is a day I should be proud of my­self for get­ting out of bed and get­ting dressed, when all I want­ed to do was sleep.

I re­al­ly don’t mean to com­plain, I re­al­ly do feel very for­tu­nate to have my life. Some­times it just feels good to get things off my chest, so I can see that it will pass. I can win this fight.
 
 

—bri­au­na ru­pert

Flom­mist Bri­au­na Ru­pert is made up of 50% anx­i­ety, 50% Sal­sa Verde Dori­tos. She also does­n’t get mad, “I just make SIMS of my en­e­mies and lock them in the base­ment.” Copy­right © 2017 Bri­au­na Ru­pert.

Find Briauna’s Melan­choly Mon­sters: Art cre­at­ed from anx­i­ety on Etsy

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