a horror film

Imag­ine: A hor­ror film where a group of friends want to go hik­ing, and the friend who was forced to go stays in the car be­cause she’s not the out­doorsy type.

So it gets dark, every­one starts to go miss­ing, or what­ev­er, typ­i­cal hor­ror movie jazz.

Well, in this sce­nario, the per­son in the car doesn’t know her friends are miss­ing. She’s just pa­tient­ly wait­ing for them to fin­ish their hike.

I mean, one girl can­not suc­cess­ful­ly find all of her friends in the dark in the woods. She’s not an id­iot. So she waits.

This’s got­ta be the hor­ror film hero every­one se­cret­ly wants. She’s not stu­pid.

There would also have to be a part where she gets out of the car and walks around and every­one watch­ing is like, ‘No id­iot don’t get out!’ And she’s like, yeah this is dumb and gets back in the car.

Even­tu­al­ly, she gets bored and de­cides to dri­ve around.

So she gets into town, and she calls for her friends and keeps get­ting voice­mail.

I am soooo over this shit. Might as well get a piz­za.

She’s fam­ished and she’s been long out of trail mix – but it just so hap­pens there’s a Piz­za Hut in every Tar­get.

So while she’s there, why not buy some junk from the dol­lar sec­tion?

I looooove Hal­loween stuff.

Yeah, she ends up walk­ing around the en­tire store – check­ing out the gum­my vi­t­a­mins and talk­ing to the cute phar­ma­cist about her woes – then the movie starts cut­ting back to her friends be­ing hunt­ed one by one in the woods.

“The car was right here! Oh god oh god!”

Aww snap, this black can­dle hold­er with skulls on it is half off!

She doesn’t need it, but why not? It’s half off. She should have got a cart. Back to the front.

Cut to the Bitch of the group get­ting her foot stuck in a fall­en tree, rest of the group is like, “shit, bye.”

Cut to girl grab­bing half off Hal­loween can­dy by the hand­fuls.

Cut to Bitch girl get­ting her face smashed in the tree.

Now she has an Icee, all this shop­ping and wait­ing around is hard work.

Cut to sym­pa­thet­i­cal­ly nice char­ac­ter find­ing kid in the woods. For some rea­son she doesn’t think it’s weird. Just wants to help.

BOOM.

Kid is part of psy­cho a can­ni­bal cult, starts bit­ing her leg. She can’t run. More kids, more bit­ing.

She’s scream­ing, “Why do they have to be can­ni­bals?”

Cut to girl flirt­ing with cute phar­ma­cist again. I nev­er knew arthri­tis could be so com­plex.

It’s all com­ing to­geth­er now.

Card has chip and she for­got ex­tra bags.

She brought in one bag, but didn’t ex­pect to buy so much, so she will need at least 2 more. But it’s okay be­cause she has the Tar­get deb­it card, so she gets 10 per­cent off this shit.

Checks her phone – but no up­dates from friends.

It’s been hours, so she calls the po­lice, and leaves.

Not only did she sur­vive – she was able to get some shop­ping done, has a date next Sat­ur­day with some­one who’s go­ing to be a doc­tor one day – and man­ages to stop for some ice cream on the way home.
 

I would freak­ing love that movie.
 
 

—bri­au­na ru­pert

Flom­mist Bri­au­na Ru­pert is made up of 50% anx­i­ety, 50% Sal­sa Verde Dori­tos. She also does­n’t get mad, “I just make SIMS of my en­e­mies and lock them in the base­ment.” Copy­right © 2017 Bri­au­na Ru­pert.

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